Delicious Ambiguity...

Uni(n)formed

2009-01-20T09:50:00.000-08:00

This inflight uniform comes from Australian Airlines. I actually quite enjoy it. It's very jet-set. I am going to book a ticket with Australian just to say "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?" when I am looking for this stew on my flight.

How To Tell You Have Been Flying Too Much

2009-01-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

You search for a button to flush the toilet
You look for the "crew line" at the grocery store
You can pack for a 2 week trip to Europe in 1 roll-aboard
All of your pens have different hotel names on them
You NEVER unpack
You can recognize pilots by the backs of their heads-but not by their faces
You can tell from 70 yards away if a piece of luggage will fit in the overhead bin
You care about the local news in a city three states away
You can tie a neck scarf 36 ways
You know at least 25 uses for air sickness bags-none of which pertain to vomit
You understand and actually use the 24-hour clock
You own 2 sets of uniforms: fat and thin
You don't think in "months"-you think in "bid packs"
You always point with two fingers
You get a little too excited by certain types of ice
You stand at the front door and politely say "Buh-bye, thanks, have a nice day" when someone leaves your home
You can make a sentence using all of the following phrases: "At this time," "For your safety," "Feel free," and "As a reminder"
You know what's on the cover of the current issues of In Touch, Star, and People magazines
You stop and inspect every fire extinguisher you pass, just to make sure the "gauge is in the green"
Your thighs are covered in bruises from armrests and elbows
You wake up and have to look at the hotel stationery to figure out where you are
You refer to cities by their airport codes
You actually understand every item on this list
Everytime the door bell rings you look up at the ceiling
You change into you "galley shoes" to cook dinner at home
You open your bathroom doors at home slowly incase someone forgot to lock it
You only know 250 or 350 degrees on your home oven
When you ask your spouse when they will be coming home from work you ask for their "ETA"
You can spot out an airplane from the ground above and tell the other person what airline it is
You go through each room at your friends place looking for magazines to read
You bring home different grocery bags full of goodies that you can't get in your home town 34. You're a fire fighter, a nurse, a security officer and a server all in one
You have mastered the art of walking very quickly down the aisle and not catching anyone's eye
You call for the car doors to be armed and cross checked before pulling away
You try and put the foot brake on your shopping cart
When releasing your seatbelt in the car, you try to 'lift the top portion of the buckle and pull apart" and are confused when you can't find it
When sitting in the backseat of your friends car, you check the seat pocket for garbage
You remember the hotel phone numbers better than your home phone number
You see rubbish dropped on the floor in your own home and instead of bending down to pick it up, you kick it under the sofa
You have 400 mobile numbers in your adress book of crew you still wanted to meet up with, but can't put a face to their name
You locate all the exits when on public transport and learn the door operations
You are standing in an elevator in your hotel and cant remember your room number, let alone what floor you are on
You can never make definite plans, otherwise you know you'll be delayed/called in for sure
You can't help saying goodbye to friends or anyone without sounding patronising. "Buh-bye!"
You check your breast pocket for a pen when you are going to write a shopping list at home
Every time someone ask's a question your reply is ... 'Just bear with me," or "standby."
You feel the need to smile and greet people at all times, even when not working
You take out one blanket from the overhead bin or closet and hide it behind your back, walking quickly so no one sees it and you can use it

You know the water gague is showing empty and you grab a bottle of water and start washing your hands
You carry around ultra concentrated spray for protection against toxic lavatory odors
You have so much time off you have 2 jobs
You get so use to standing up while eating you don't even look for a chair anymore
You have mastered the art of putting on makeup in the car/bus/subway
You carry in your purse a stain-remover pen at all times
You apologize for everything
You appreciate time at home more than anyone else
When you ask someone a question, you stick your ear in their face and put your hand around it in order to hear better
When engaging in small talk you go on auto pilot
Even when you're not working you offer to place other passengers' luggage in the overhead bins and bring them blankets
You hear your cell phone ring even when it's not ringing
You bid flights according to the hotel at a destination, and not necessarily the destination itself

Look Around You

2009-01-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

This post goes under the "This has nothing to do with anything" category. I think I watched this in 8th grade science...no wonder I failed.

Dr. Douglas Howser is back!

2009-01-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

Come for the nostalgic NPH, stay for the tearful conclusion.

A Side-Eyed Look Back at '08

2009-01-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

Last year around this time, I wrote a prematurely doomed blog about my New Year's resolutions. Having not thought about this list since, oh...I don't know, January 17th of last year, I thought it might be humorous (to myself) to look back and see how much I have changed (ha) and how I succeeded with flying colors of the rainbow.

Nathaniel Daniel's Bucket List for 2008:

Maintain 3 digits in bank account for 3 CONSECUTIVE months -- I think I did this! Oh...3 months? I thought it said hours.

Run half marathon -- Well this one's just silly.

Commit to something besides a lease for 6 months (job, man, gym membership, etc.) -- Job? Check! Man? Do they have to be 6 consecutive months? Gym? FAIL.

Eat at 1 new restaurant every month -- Who the hell has the cash flow for this? Actually, if hotel restaurants/room service count, I definitely win.

Learn to cook a new dish every month -- I am going to assume that watching Rachael Ray counts. Check.

Gain 10 lbs of non fat -- This is gonna have to be a life long goal.

Learn Spanish (when in little Puerto Rico, do as the Puerto Ricans do…) -- I am still waiting for you to buy me the damn Rosetta Stone!

Two words: six pack. -- Yep had many of those.

Move into bedroom in where I do not feel the need to tell people "that's just my walk-in closet." -- Well lets see...I moved into an even tinier bedroom that I had to share with another, and then I moved into a very spacious room....at my parent's house. I am going to put a big fat X on this one.

Repeated visits to So.Flo -- Check and Check. I loves me Kitty.

Travel out of state with unused plane ticket -- This must be before I started working for the blue jet. Voided!

Get no more parking tickets (those green paper bastards) -- Ack! I got 3. But I only paid 2, so that should count for something.

Pay all my bills in a prompt manner -- Yessss thank you Suze O.

Go on 8 dates that are not dinner and a movie (…snooze) -- Another life long goal.

Learn how to cook a decent batch of rice -- F rice, I hate you!

Be 100% honest, even when it hurts -- I only lie when it makes myself look better.

Get a dog! -- No, but I had enough friends to get dogs to turn me off to the idea.

Volunteer at a soup kitchen (it's sooo in right now) -- I googled it when I was bored one time.

Buy my family a nice dinner -- I cook for those bastards all the time!

2008-12-26T06:24:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed that the Jonas Brothers -I'm sorry, they dropped the "the"- have the personalities equivalent to a mildly autistic gerbil? And what's with the pants? Where does everything in there fit, exactly? Disney must have those boys on the lemon water and paprika diet.

Uni(n)formed

2008-12-25T09:25:00.000-08:00

This was the inflight uniform for the Canadian based WestJet up until 2005. Apparently, denim shirts were still in style then. Those cookey Canadians! The change in uniform came when they found Katie Holmes stole their style.

Prop 8: The Musical!

2008-12-05T19:45:00.000-08:00

Now I am just waiting for Amendment 2: The Aftermath!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Now See Hear

2008-11-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

Politico

2008-10-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

As Good As Jews & Cuban Food

2008-10-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

If you were able to drudge through the majority of the actual VP debate the other night, maybe you noticed the stark inconsistencies in the candidate's answers on equal rights for same-sex couples. While it seemed promising that Senator Biden urges same-sex couples be given the same rights as straight couples, he contradicted himself by denying same-sex couples the freedom to marry. This is better than Governor Palin's stance, who believes allowing gays to marry would be "redefining" marriage. Who knew marriage was "defined" by who is denied it?

"Worse than Dick Cheney...and a better shot."

2008-10-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

Flighty Humor

2008-09-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

Now I know what to put under job duties on my resume.

Travel + Leisure = Inevitable Runway Doom

2008-09-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

Travel + Leisure just published a list of the scariest runways in the world. Of course, by "just published" I mean "this is probably old news but you don't know any better anyway."

This madness to the left is in St. Maarten. Who the hell would want to be so GD close to an incoming airplane? Nothing like a sunny day at the beach with a side of jet fumes and deafening turbojet hullabaloo. What if I was flying my kite? That beast would suck me up and spit me out faster than a foot-tapping airport stall occupant. You might as well go lay out on the runway.

Also on the list of scariest runways is JFK. They must have also factored in the heinous experience of waiting for hours in this airport's terminals atop urine-stained carpeting. Left off the list was any runway where Naomi Campbell is near. Duck and cover when you see her whip out that cell.

Palin's a bailin'

2008-09-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

...well maybe not quite yet. I can't quite figure out which is more entertaining: the actual Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric or Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's sendoff of it...

Which One Best Represents You?

2008-09-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

The Good Witch

2008-08-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die

One of the many reasons why I love Kristin Chenoweth.

And this, from Pushing Daisies.

And let's not forget this little show...

Life of the Young, Fabulous, and Broke

2008-08-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

I recently have come to the realization that about 35% of my day is spent killing time. You might even consider it homicide. I kill time at the library, kill time on the computer, and kill time walking around town. I suppose there are worse crimes to commit. Considering I spend about 25% of my life sitting at the airport, 15% sitting in an airplane, and 25% sleeping/eating/private lights out time, that leaves little time for my true passion: irresponsible spending. Thus I am happy to report that yesterday I managed to consolidate TWO of these activities. I was killing time in the house of the lovely Mr.'s Barnes & Noble when I came across "The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke." Why, I am all of these things! The fact that the word "money" was thrown in only held my attention even longer. And who was eerily open-mouthed smiling at me on the cover? None other than the great Lady Suze Orman.

Unfortunately, the book ran for $18 which seemed like a great start to my path of being young and broke ('cause let's face it, I've got the fabulous part down). Even more unfortunate was the urge, and subsequent giving in to said urge, to purchase another book. Who am I to deny my fabulous self a pleasure purchase?

Though my original reasons for buying the book may not have been of the purest, I do have to admit that this is one cheap lesbian who knows her penny pinching. The book features an easy, breezy (beautiful) writing style, and presents the reader with the solid facts, Orman style! I would recommend it to any fellow Y, F&B'er if not solely for the pictures of Suze in her blisteringly loud attire/orange skin.

Quarter-Life Quandary

2008-08-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

"You are not a little boy. Nobody is going to hold your hand anymore."

This painful nugget of information was abruptly brought to my attention last week. My Dad wasn't going for any sort of profound effect with the statement. In fact he was referring to my current boredom and inability to entertain myself. But the echo of these words has been on repeat in my head ever since hearing them.

I do realize I am nearly a quarter of a decade old, and 25 a boy does not make. Yet, it was not until thinking about my Dad's casual comment that I realized how drastic things could change from those pre-graduate days to the early-to-mid twenties. I consider myself not a pessimist but a realist, and it was possibly this characteristic that pointed me to the stark truth: It is all up to me now. The safety net has been worn and torn into nothingness. When I make those inevitable, clumsy blunders there are no arms to catch me but my own.

While some of you may have started walking the tightrope net-less when you gave up those Goosebumps books, I mature at a much slower pace, plodding along in my diapers when you were in your training pants. My family is semi-regularly supportive of me, and I have close relationships with a generous amount of friends. But I can no longer rely on them to drop everything when need be and come to my aid. They have their own fumbles and flubs that they are frantically trying to recover from.

It is not my intention for this view to make the outlook a bit bleak, and it shouldn't be too unsettling. A certain sense of liberation comes with this realization. I have been pointed in the right direction (hopefully) by those around me, and now it is my turn to take the wheel. I am going to make wrong turns, and yes my car will probably break down once or twice, but these are the trials and tribulations of life and will be dealt with at that instant and not a second sooner. And with this, I am enlivened...because it is all up to me now.

T5: Fall of the Trailer Park Terminal

2008-08-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

jetBlue will finally be opening their new terminal, T5, at JFK in October. If you have been to their current terminal, you'll know that it is similar to visiting the inner ring of hell (except not as chic and inviting). jetBlue has been talking up the new addition for some time now, and while the pictures make the eating area look like a visit to a posh NYC nightclub, one wonders if the illusion will be ruined with a bunch of fat-bottomed travelers crammed into the area. Only time (and tacky tourists) will tell.

Author Unknown

2008-08-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

This was received from a Los Angeles F/A. If you are a F/A, you'll appreciate this. If you're not, maybe you'll see the other side. Regardless of where you sit on an aircraft...be it a jump seat or a passenger seat, it is extremely well written.

To the Flying Public: We're sorry

We're sorry we have no pillows.

We're sorry we're out of blankets.

We're sorry the airplane is too cold.

We're sorry the airplane is too hot.

We're sorry the overhead bins are full.

We're sorry we have no closet space for your oversized bag.

We're sorry that's not the seat you wanted.

We're sorry there's a restless toddler/overweight/offensive smelling passenger seated next to you.

We're sorry the plane is full and there are no other seats available.

We're sorry you didn't get your upgrade.

We're sorry that guy makes you uncomfortable because he "looks like a terrorist".

We're sorry there's a thunderstorm and we can't take off.

We're sorry we don't know when it will stop.

We're sorry you're crammed into a space so small that if you were an animal PETA would protest.

We're sorry your TV isn't working for that 45 minute flight.

We're sorry we ran out of your favorite soda.

We're sorry that Budweiser costs $5.

We're sorry we don't have diapers for your baby.

We're sorry we don't have milk for same baby.

We're sorry you can't hang out by the cockpit door waiting to use the bathroom.

We're sorry you can't hang out at the back of the airplane.

We're sorry you have to sit down and fasten your seatbelt.

We're sorry you have to put your seat up for landing.

We're sorry we don't know when we're going to land.

We're sorry we don't know whether your plane to (substitute any city in the world) will be waiting for you when we land.

We're sorry we've been diverted because we ran out of gas waiting to land.

We're sorry for these and so many other things that we have absolutely no control over but which we are held accountable for EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Please understand. Flight attendants are not the enemy. We share your space. More than anyone - we want to have a nice, pleasant travel experience.

There is a reason behind everything we ask you to do. It may be a FAA directive. It may be security related. It may be a company procedure.

We don't just make stuff up. We don't spend 8 weeks at the flight academy learning how to pour a Coke. There are many things that flight attendants are watching for constantly on every flight FOR YOUR SAFETY.

It's not because we're bored or so controlling that we just enjoy telling people what to do. I, for one, would like to have one flight where I didn't have to repeatedly tell people to put their seats up for landing. Seriously.

Can't you just do what we ask sometimes? Without the glares, eye rolling and disdain? For the record - putting your seat up for landing may not seem that important to your personal safety. However, it is very important for the person sitting BEHIND YOU. If you have ever tried to get out of a row where someone has their seat back you know it can be a challenge. Try grabbing your ankles (emergency brace position) or getting out of that row quickly with smoke in the cabin.

Understand a little better now?

Many of the things we ask passengers to comply with are FAA directives. Like carry-on bag stowage and exit row requirements. When we can serve drinks (in the air) and when we can't (after the aircraft door is closed or on an active taxi-way). We are only allowed to move about the cabin during taxi out for safety related duties. We can't get you blankets, or hang coats, or get you drinks. It's not because we don't want to. It's because we are held personally responsible if we fail to comply with FAA directives.

Meaning that the FAA can fine us personally up to $10,000 if we fail to comply or enforce an FAA Directive.

Like no bags at the bulkhead. No children in the exit row. No one moving around the cabin during taxi.

Perhaps now you know why flight attendants get a little testy when people move about the cabin when they're not supposed to. It's not the company that gets in trouble for that. It's us.

Personally, I wish the airlines would show worst case scenario safety videos. Like what happens if you walk through the cabin during turbulence. There could be a guy who has just fallen and smacked his face on the metal armrest and now has a bloody, gushing broken nose. Or an elderly lady who now has a broken arm because someone walking to the bathroom fell on her.

Maybe a passenger with a broken neck because somebody opened an overhead bin during turbulence and a suitcase fell out and onto the person sitting beneath it. These things can easily happen in a fast moving, unstable air environment.

Please just trust that we are looking out for your best interest and stop fighting with us about everything we ask you to do. It is exhausting.

Finally, please, please direct your hostility and frustrations in the direction where they will be most effective: The customer service department. They are the ones equipped to handle your complaint and implement procedures for CHANGE.

Think about it. Complaining to the flight crew about all your negative travel experiences is about the same as complaining to the office janitor because your computer isn't working. It may make you feel better to vent about it - but it really won't fix anything. More than anybody we are already aware of the lack of amenities, food, service and comfort on the aircraft. Please share your concerns with the people in the cubicles at corporate who need that information to make better decisions for the flying public.

It's frustrating that so many people are in denial about what the travel industry is about now. The glory days of pillows, blankets, magazines and a hot meal for everyone are long gone. Our job is to get you from point A to point B safely and at the cheapest possible cost to you and the company. So be prepared. If you are hungry - get a sandwich before you get on the plane.

If it's a 3 hour flight, anticipate that you may get hungry and bring some snacks. If you are cold natured - bring a wrap. Think for yourself and think ahead. Otherwise, don't complain when you have to pay $3 for a cookie and are left with a crusty blanket to keep you warm.

We hear often that the service just isn't what is used to be. Well, the SERVICE we provide now isn't what it used to be. When I was hired, my job was to serve drinks, meals, ensure that safety requirements were met and tend to in-flight medical issues.

Since 9/11 my primary job is to ensure that my airplane will not be compromised by a terrorist.

9/11 may be a distant memory now to many, but be assured that EVERY DAY a flight attendant reports to work he or she is constantly thinking about 9/11. We feel a personal responsibility to ensure that something like that never happens again. We can never relax. We can never not be suspicious about someone's intentions.

It is difficult to be vigilant and gregarious at the same time. Especially when most of us are working 12 hour days after layovers that only allow 5-6 hours of sleep. Not because we were out partying and having a grand time on the layover - but because the delays that you experience as a passenger also affect us as a crew, so that what was a 10 hour layover is now 8 hours which doesn't leave a lot of time to recover from what has become an increasingly stressful occupation.

Despite everything, I still enjoy being a flight attendant.

I am writing this letter because I do still care about my profession and about the public perception of flight attendants. In the increasingly challenging travel world it is becoming more imperative than ever for people to just be decent to each other. I can go through an entire day without one person saying anything remotely civil. I will stand at the aircraft door and say hello to everyone who enters and maybe 50% will even look at me and even less will say hello back.

I will try to serve someone a meal who can't be bothered to take their headsets off long enough for me to ask them what they want. Most of the time the only conversation a passenger has with me is when they are complaining.

Is it any wonder why flight attendants have shut down a bit? After suffering the disdain of hundreds of passengers a day it's difficult sometimes to even smile, much less interact. We are human. We appreciate the same respect and courtesy that passengers do.

The next time you fly, try treating the flight attendants the way you would like to be treated. You may be surprised how friendly your flight crew is when they are treated like people.

author unknown

I Digress to Regress

2008-07-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

Lately, I feel as if my mind has entered a state of regression. Back to the thoughts of rum induced days of card games and note cards (as opposed to the current vodka induced days of car troubles and not getting carded) and a time when your biggest worry was hoping the bouncer would believe your last name was Lopez, as per your ID. More recently, my liver has joined the booze bound bandwagon to the past.
I awoke Sunday to a pounding sound originating inside my head. The night before started harmless enough with a glass of pre dinner wine at a friends house. The decision of the night was where a few of the regulars (to the bottle) would gather for dinner. Naturally, the options are whittled away by the best drink specials offered in the UCF area. We settle upon El Cerra who lures us in with promises of dollar margaritas, which for a dollar could only mean a cup of cheap, de-wormed tequila on the rocks with a splash of green mix (for color). Who could resist?
Apparently, our dollar drinks are lost in translation, or inflation, and were in fact about the price a margarita should be. Worry not, because this doesn't prevent a certain best friend from challenging a certain boy to a chugging contest not once, but twice. Drinking for my affection, obviously. At this point I am satisfyingly buzzed, but evidently we are here for an as yet to arrive dinner.
Through a certain degree of separation (no Kevin Bacon required), we wind up at the makings of a beer pong tournament. Suddenly I'm straight and underaged again. Unfortunately, my previously bragged about pong skills have diminished with age like a freshman's self dignity. This calls for an early retirement for team "Hey girl hey"... This beer gives me a headache and it's past my bedtime. Regression period over.

Plenty of hatin' for everyone!

2008-07-22T07:50:00.001-07:00

Here is the latest video released by JibJab, which pretty much blasts candidates from both parties.

Barefoot in the Lav or Why You Disgust Me

2008-07-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to point something out. Aircraft restrooms are NOT your private bathroom at home. They are PUBLIC bathrooms. Public bathrooms in which there is toilet paper in the sink, piss on the floor and probably even feces on the flusher. Because of these and many more factors, it is not acceptable to enter these premises with feet uncovered. By doing so, you are then tracking your poopy, pissy feet down the aisle and probably up onto the back of the seat in front of you. Airplanes are already the most germ filled vessels out there, so your help worsening the matter is not needed. While we're at it, I'm also gonna request you don't go doo until back on solid ground. Your insides smell up the whole cabin. Happy flying!

Hurricane Names '08

2008-07-01T05:36:00.000-07:00

Here are this year's names that will soon remind you of destruction and devastation. As a suggestion, refrain from using any of these names for your future children. And just to be cautious, I don't think I'd be friends with anyone with names like Cristobal or Nana in the fist place.

Arthur
Bertha
Cristobal
Dolly
Edouard
Fay
Gustav

Hanna

Ike

Josephine

Kyle

Laura

Marco

Nana

Omar

Paloma

Rene

Sally

Teddy

Vicky

Wilfred

As a side note, I hope that Hurricane Sally (my mother's name) is a real doozie. I can hear it already: "Sally destroys the lives of thousands, while her path of destruction is far from over."

Pilot Joke o' the Day

2008-07-01T05:13:00.000-07:00

-Did you hear that Continental and Aer Lingus are merging?
...the new airline will be called "Conalingus."

*golf claps*

2008-06-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

I don't smoke, but I think I need some Nicoderm...